Military Uniqueness

The military family is a unique dynamic that does not exist anywhere else.  Friends and other non-military family say that they understand and will always be there for you.  It is complex and has many differing aspects that are constantly changing.  The spouse has their own issues that they deal with but the most neglected and overlooked aspect is that of the military child. Now do not get me wrong.  The military parents love their children, take care of them, and yet the military life style is not designed with the spouse in mind let alone a child.  Things have gotten better but you every ‘now and then’ still hear the saying, “If the (place the name of service here) wanted you to have a spouse they would have issued them in the duffel bag.”   This is because the military has a job to do and it does take away from the family.  The military child is dramatically changed by the events that their parent faces just as the veteran has to deal with the traumas of war so do the children.  The children learn Six key areas that stay with them throughout their lives and impact many decisions. These areas are: Flexibility, Adaptability, Loner/Socialite, Dedication, Drive, and Attention.

Flexibility

Flexibility is the first thing that a military child learns.  They often experiences this from a very young age with the ever-changing environment of deployments.  Or the extension of the deployment.  The child often finds that they cannot plan in the traditional sense later in life. This is because they have been so often told “not now” or “later” so much by their parents and those around them that they start to not ask and tend to just go with the flow.  This attitude allows them to keep an open schedule and plan for things at the last-minute and not weeks or months in advance.  Later in life they are able to move from one item to another which allows them the flex and bend when the stress of finances, work and education come knocking on the door.

Adaptability

Adaptability is the next thing that is learned.  As they develop this key skill set you see how much these children can lend to any situation.  Many will think that these children have ADHD or ADD because they have so much going on in their head.  When they focus on the task at hand they add opinions based on them being forced to be flexible.  So instead of only seeing one or two options to make a decision on they tend to see five, ten or more.  This is a blessing and a curse primarily because it allows them to implement the most effective solution but it may take them a little longer to reach it as they have so many experiences to choose from.  They always have solutions to any problem and quickly assimilate problems turning them into workable viable options rather than un-scalable brick-walls.  As parents we see the child consistently succeeding in everything they touch and this proves valuable as they grow into adulthood allowing for them to go on a path without worrying if they will be fine.

Loner or Socialite

Military brats socialize in two varieties that of the Loner or the Socialite.  You see the military child takes the PCS moves that their parents experience to a completely new level.    The parent compartmentalized the transition from one duty station and city to the next allowing them to develop relationships on the surface in order to get by with no long-lasting relationships for either the inevitable move or the possible loss in a combat zone. While the Child sees his or her whole, life fall completely apart.  The friends and social atmosphere they had ripped from them, everything they knew gone.  They do not see any benefit for losing their friends.  They see their parents wanting to destroy their life no matter what the parent says.  This causes the child to develop an external shell where they withdraw into either themselves or they over compensate and bounce between groups with too many friends to count.  The loner withdraws and chooses to take part at the minimal level because they know they are going to lose any friend they may make. They feel it is better to not have a friend then to make and lose them.  These children tend to only have one or two children they hang around with.  Later in life the rarely keep in touch with those they knew and find it easier to run on their own. The Socialite is the opposite end of the spectrum.  This child wants to make sure they have a lot of friends in hopes that they will be able to stay in contact with one.   They will stay with friends even if the relationship is not good for them because of the feeling of having lost so many friends in the past.

Dedication

Dedication becomes the force that defines a military child.  They become dedicated in everything they do.  To them failure is not an option. They have been taught family and country first.  They have been given ideals that the average American over look.  You’ll see a military brat stop and stand when they hear the National Anthem and they’ll respect, not always like and most of the time argue with, those in authority.  This is because they have been told to question but do for those who cannot.

Drive

You’ll see all military children are driven by something more.  It is ingrained into them.  They constantly are seen doing something even through the hardest of times.  Others look upon them like they are spinning their wheels and wasting energy that could be spent elsewhere.  To the military child they are on track and focused to a fault.  They sense the purpose and can see the final result.  This can be the drive to better one’s self or the drive to improve the world no matter the field of study.  The one thing that drives a military child is a better life than what they had.  You find the percentages of enlistments/commissions from military families are drastically higher than those who have no military service.   This is in part due to the drive that has been instilled to them by their parents.

Attention

The last area affects the military child is that of attention.  You see the military seeks the approval of their parents as all children do but the problem is that the parent for the military child is all too often absent.  This causes the child to seek ways to get attention.  Sometimes this causes many around them to say that the child is brat.  You know the ones that constantly throw fits in the store to get what they want.  They are trying to get the attention of their parents.  Sometimes this is due to have multiple siblings but  more often when you see the single mother or father with the children and they are whining, crying, screaming or just down right pitching a fit it is because they are missing the other half of their family…. The service member.  That mother or father who is deployed overseas or in a combat zone.  The child sees it sometimes and the parent who is left behind forced the other one to leave. My daughter told my wife in 2011, “Mommy why did you make daddy leave us?”  What do you say to that?  You explain that the military has sent daddy on an important mission and he will be home as soon as he can. Yet, no matter how you explain it the child still sees that it was the parent who is left behinds fault.  Three weeks after my daughter asked my wife that question she was pitching a fit because she didn’t get what she wanted from the store and told my wife, “You told daddy to leave!” She was seeking attention.  She was 4 at the time but you can see how it affected her.  Today I still get from her every now and then, “Daddy are you going to be coming home?”  This comes from times when I go to evening class and she would be in bed when I get home.  I still have to take the time and explain that I am no longer on active duty and that I will not be going on another deployment.

Your Military Child’s Time

Your children have sacrificed a lot for your military career no matter how long or short it has been. If you are still in, you need to remind them that you love them and are there for them no matter what. This time will pass. Now for those who are out of the service you have to show them that you are there for them.  Now is the time to remind them that you will always be there for them .  Take them to a ballgame, play, or movie.  Spend time with them  on what interests them not what interests you.  You need to foster positive attention on your children otherwise they may react in a negative light.  Do not just jump from one high stress job to another without spending time with your precious family.  They spent a lot of time putting up with the military moving you around and doing what you wanted while you moved take the time to make them special.

Remember when you leave military service the only thing that you have is the family that is there for you.  If you are married with children, you need to make time for them while you are on active duty.  You are not always going to be busy and unable to help and support them.  There is more than providing money to them. Now for those who are single, you still have family.  You know the ones you left behind your parents, brothers or sisters.  They care for you as well and if you do not cultivate the relationship with them, it will wither and die on the vine.

Family will always be there to support you if you are there for them.  It is okay to realize that you or the family needs help.  If you need help or support seek out the Family Service Centers on base or your local religious center for help. A good place to start is Military One Source. These organizations offer classes, services, and retreats to help with the family.  As for the military brat reading this; Thank You.  Without your support of your parents we could never have made it through the deployment, combat zone or career without you.  Take the time to improve or rebuild your relationship with the special veteran in your life.